Grace Upon Grace Upon Grace Upon Grace

"I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us" - Anne Lamott

This is one of my favorite quotes. Grace astounds me. God's Grace. The Grace of my friends. Grace is such an extraordinary thing. If I have learned anything in this first year of post grad, it is how to accept and give grace. Grace for myself, grace for my friends, grace for my roommates, grace for my coworkers, for my boss. Grace for myself.

It has been almost a year to the day since I started this blog. Since I moved into MY first apartment, since I became an adult. A lot has happened in this year, a lot of growth, many steps backward, but I don't regret any of it. I have walked through things that have shaped me, taught me, broken me, gorwn me, bruised me, and pushed me. I've dealt with two different offices, gotten into an almost relationship, got my heart (and ego) bruised, joined an inter mural soccer team, made new friendships, saw my best friend get married, celebrated my brothers graduation, gone out in DC, attended 3 weddings and counting, found a church, saw my best friend graduate from my favorite place, and kept long distance friendships alive. It's been a busy year.

And through all of that I haven't always been good at showing others or myself grace. I asked way to long what I did wrong that made a relationship end, why I wasn't enough for him, I held onto a friends words said in anger and let it wedge between a friendship, I forgot what intentional, authentic, genuine community looks like. I only let God into the parts of my life that were convenient because I didn't believe he could possibly have enough grace for the messy parts, because I know I didn't. And yet here I am, a year later, comfortably surrounded by His grace even when things are messy (both figuratively and literally - I currently have an open suitcase on my floor, a full laundry basket, some tupperware that needs to be washed and a collection of cups in my room.)

I pray that I can continue to learn to accept His Grace, to give myself grace, and to give it to those around me, because grace upon grace upon grace upon grace brings me confidence.

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And as if His Grace wasn't enough, since writing this post and posting this post, he has led me into his grace, into a community called Grace. Grace community church and He has reminded me of a promise He made me, that He will provide me a community, that He has given me a heart for discipleship. Small the gate, and narrow the road that leads to life.

They Say Patience is a Virtue

I never realized how impatient I was until I graduated. At school it seems there were always things to keep me busy, always something I could multitask on. But now, I am so ready to have it all figured out. I run around with 5,000 things to do, pulling and breaking myself apart trying to have have it all figured out already. And here's the thing, I don't have it all figured out and I am never going to have it all figured out. 

But I can take it one day at a time. Instead of pride propelling me to have it perfect, to know how to do my job, and make it to the gym, and eat healthy, and make friends, and keep a budget, and keep up with people. Instead of feeling like I need to do all of that perfectly, I could just give myself the time, have patience enough to not have it all perfect now, and actually believe in the grace that God freely gives me. It takes time to figure out a new job, time to make friends, time to learn how to live life on your own, time to set up an apartment. And so I'm learning that patience is something that I lack, and something that God is teaching me. 

And that's the amazing thing, that I don't have to learn patience on my own. When I start to get discouraged about a new place, finding a new church, the Lord blesses me with small gifts. Words of encouragement, friendly conversations, learning new things. He knows that patience isn't something I readily possess and so He meets me where I am and continues to lead me to where He is taking me. 

And as I read about Paul and Barnabas and see all of the struggles and hardships they had to go through, the patience they had to possess as people actively worked against them, planned to mistreat and stone them. And when I got to {Acts 14:22} "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God" it struck me how those hardships will look different everyday in our lives. One day they may be doubt, another loneliness, anger, bitterness, the bigger hardships of finances, illness, death ; they all drive you away from God if you let them but, what I am trying to remember is that sometimes we can use those hardships to better see His Kingdom both eternally and here on earth. And we need people that can speak truth into those hardships. 

When the Pharisees tried to insist that the Gentiles be circumcised it took Peter speaking truth into that hardship. To see that there was no need to discriminate against the gentiles because {Acts 15:8} "God knows the heart", he doesn't need our acts, whether it be circumcision, being the perfect church goer, always having a quiet time, possessing patience, NONE of those acts make us "good enough" for God. And so why do we, why do I, test ourselves and hold ourselves to these standards like the Pharisees wanted to do to the gentiles? That is not our yoke to carry, we do have a yoke to carry for the Lord, where will be hardships - following Christ does not guarantee an easy life as Paul and the disciples clearly showed -  but the it isnt these hardships and acts that "save" us because it is only {Acts15:11} "Through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are".  JUST AS WE ARE - impatient and all.  

Doubt is Good

Doubt is good. It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is. Doubt that you are in the right place, that you're doing the right job. Doubt makes you question. And I believe doubt makes us trust more deeply. Doubt develops faith. This transition of actually becoming an adult (because let's be honest, college defers life for four years) is not an easy one and I'm sure there are still many more things to come, but if nothing else it has made me yearn for God, for his guidance, his presence, his love. So, in my opinion, doubt, when you don't let it cripple you, can be good. 

Calling on God in Hard times

So it's been almost a month since I've put anything up here, and there isn't an excuse waiting, the truth is transitions are hard. They are lonely, overwhelming, exciting, what you've been waiting for, what you fear. That's a lot of emotions to handle, and so sometimes you just need a good cry. Seriously, even science says that sometimes the best thing you can do is cry to release the emotions and its cathartic, you'll feel better (after you get over the fact that you are crying and that you're eyes are puffy).

But even in these hard days, I'm reminded that Saul's transition wasn't easy and he had an encounter with the Lord. God literally stopped him in the middle of the road and spoke to him, spoke to him. He heard the Lords voice, and then he was blinded by God. He lost his sight, got it back, and then once he received the Holy Spirit and started preaching about God, people tried to kill him. Kill him to the point that he was lowered out of a town through a hole in the wall! And even once he got through all of that the disciples were afraid of him and had to be convinced to see him. Talk about a tough transition. It makes my Monday seem a little more manageable, though I'm sure Paul never experienced 8 hours of people talking at you.

But even in the disciples turning him away, Paul didn't give up. He continued to speak fearlessly and bodly in the name of the Lord. And that IS encouraging. If Paul, who was picked by God, and went through all of these crazy things, and kept going, I can too. I can make it through this transition with God. Because like I've seen before, God reveals his plan when its time, not when you want it.

In acts 10, Peter experiences this first hand. He didnt understand what his vision meant, he didnt know why he was associating with gentiles until God decided to make it clear. God doesn't show favoritism, anyone who calls on His name, who receives the Holy Spirit, and believes in Jesus - their sins, our sins, are forgiven. And I need to be reminded of that daily, sometimes hourly, that that I can call on God as nothing is too small to Him.

Protected by Armor

We interrupt the normal programming for a quick jump to Ephesians..... I'm sorry! I know I said I was doing this in order but today God (and Paul) needed to teach me a different lesson. 

The second day in my apartment, and one of the promises that I feel God made to me in this transition is that He has a new faith community planned for me. So after some google searching last night for churches, I settled on an Episcopal Church down the road from me. My big debate in this entire decision is that I want a church with a 20/30s small group so I can meet people, but I also like a traditional service and a smaller congregation. So this church fit those criteria (how well I didn't know) but I thought I would give it a try. So I wandered into their contemporary service this morning and was very discouraged when no one introduced themselves to the new girl, and when I saw no one my age, just a lot of families (which is great don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for college all over again but maybe just a few friends). And that's when God called me out. He told me that I wasn't only worried about a small group to grow my faith, but I was more worried about finding one because I believed that's how I would meet friends, and hey maybe even a boyfriend (typical christian girl, guilty I know, I'm making myself cringe). But I realized that He was completely right AND that my decision on where I go to church should not be centered on where I may potentially meet someone to date. That is SHOULD be centered on where I am going to grow closer to God, where I can get involved in a congregation and share my skills, where I am going to have people to love and support me. And so it was a blessing when after church and older gentlemen introduced himself to me and asked if I was about to start a new school (according to him I looked like I could be in high school......really?!), and I laughed and said no but tomorrow is my first day at my new job, and so he began to inquire where I moved from and introduced me to a handful of people. And their genuine interest, even though they weren't my age, was truly exactly what I was looking for. 

And although revelations like that can be hard (aka get your act together, I - God- am more important than a hypothetical boyfriend), God also gave me some great encouragement from His word. The sermon at church today revolved around Ephesians 6:10-20, about putting on the armor of God especially in the change of a new school year, or a New JOB. They literally said or a new job and a new place, and I felt like God took my hand and said see look you can breath I am still here. And I loved the words that Paul used because he said {6:12} "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms". Change like this isn't just hard because of all the new things, but also because we are often fighting some internal spiritual warfare because the enemy uses our anxiety against us. And so God gave us an armor to put on, so when those days of evil come we can stand firm. And even when that seems to much when the belts of truth, and the breastplates of righteousness, and the helmets of salvation aren't enough we have the Holy Spirit that will lead us to pray in ALL occasions. 

So, although I am still a little nervous about meeting and making friends (of both genders haha), and my first day of work, instead of succumbing to the lies the enemy is telling me, I am going to put on my Armor of God and head into my first day ready to stand firm.  

The Asterisk **

So I guess my last post should have had an asterisk because I wasn't technically moved in and living in my apartment yet, I was just moved in. I didn't start living in my apartment until today. I had another week at home where I secluded myself in my own room, wishing that it would be time for me to move into my apartment. And now I'm here and I was wishing that I would have used more of this summer actually with my family. Yes I spent a ton of time with them, but I wish I would have done more of the little things, like watching mindless TV in my mom's room with her instead of watching netflix by myself in my room. I didn't realize that I would miss things like that. Those little conversations that happen when nothing is going on expect endless repeats of Law & Order:SUV and the Big Bang Theory. 

Yet, as I was driving up to Maryland today I was struck by how immensely loved I am, and subsequently struck by how conceited that makes me sound. But its true. I have a God that sees me as flawless and loves me continuously. I have an amazing family that is willing to meet me at Safeway on my way out of town with a computer charger because I don't have time to turn back around and get it. I have friends that shower my with love when I need it and tell me to read and eat so I don't worry so much. And yet when I finished unpacking this afternoon and I sat down on my bed for the first time in my new apartment, I was filled with a soul aching sadness. Because although I know all of those people will continue to be there for me, I also know that it won't be the same, that when I go home there are no more long winter and summer breaks, and as much as I've complained about the state of Maryland tonight I am so thankful to God that He only has me a hour away from my family. And so, even as I am processing through this homesickness, as I am typing this, I am becoming more and more aware of God's provision. I have always wanted to travel for work to move far away, yet God (as always) knew what I needed. That I needed to be somewhere far enough that I moved out of home, and yet somewhere close enough that I have that comfort. 

I'm so thankful that my life has an asterisk. That I am not doing this all on my own, that I have a Father that is there to add an asterisk when I don't know whats best, and I love that he lets me figure it out when the time is right. I need these growing pains of homesickness and loneliness as hard as they are because  I need to remember who I rely on, I will always need an asterisk. 

S(p)aul's life had an asterisk added to it too. Saul went to the high priest and asked for permission to go to Damascus to arrest those that follow the Way. ***But as he neared Damascus a light from heaven flashed around him. And Saul's immediate response, the response of a man that was breathing murderous threats against the Lord's disciples, his first response to this light was {Acts 9:5} "Who are you, Lord?". Even this man who despised the Lord knew immediately that an important asterisk had been made. That only one person could be responsible for this. And Saul was told to proceed into Damascus and when he opened his eyes he could not see. This man that had so vehemently persecuted the Lord and His followers  was able to SEE (or not) the power of the Lord in his life. Now I'm not saying that Christ blinded me tonight, but I do believe he revealed a little of why His plan is what it is, so I can be excited about the place I am living. 

The other beautiful piece of Saul's conversion was that it was not just Saul and the Lord. God used a disciple named Ananias to bring Saul's sight back. When God asked Ananias to go to Saul, Ananias balked at the idea. He told God that {9:13-14} "Saul has done harm to your holy people in Jerusalem, And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name". Ananias knew all about Saul and what he was walking into and yet when God told him to go he went and entered the house of Saul, and called on the Lord Jesus to restore Saul's sight. 

So yes, God greatly amended Saul's plan, but he did not leave Saul to handle it alone. Saul not only had a loving God, who loved Him immensely, God also showed Saul that he was entering a community that will step up in faith to meet you. My sisters and brothers in Christ have  redefined the word friendship for me. They have added an asterisk to the word friend that I didn't know existed until I hit college, and in my Post Grad I don't know what I would do without these asterisks in my life that step up to love me even when I am snippy, ungrateful, and resistant, just like Ananias did for Saul. 

Confidence in the Unknown

Moving. Today I moved into my first apartment. My first apartment that I am renting on my own. That I am solely responsible for. And last night I was scared, so scared of the future - but a small part of me that I couldn't identify at first was also confident. Confident in the plans God has for me and trying to find confidence in the unknown. 

Jesus brings me confidence in the unknown. I may not know how my roommates will get along, how work will go, how I will make friends, but I do know (normally, except on those particularly bad days) that God has new grace for me every morning. That his love for me will always overflow. And those phrases may sound cliche or Christianese but as my best friend once told me, sometimes we have to say them because they hold such truth and because we need to hear them so they will sink in. 

After Stephens death, Saul began to destroy the church  and many people were scattered. And {Acts 8:4} "those that had been scattered preached the word wherever they went". This was a time of uncertainty, of constant moving. And yet Philip and others had confidence in the Lord and many people were baptized. 

However, the author also showed what happens when one doesn't have confidence in the Lord. One of the men from his land, Simon the Sorcerer, saw Peter and John laying their hands and having people receive the Holy Spirit, and he offered them money for such ability. Although he saw the great works that God was doing, his confidence lay in his money. I have definitely been guilty of that, or having my confidence lie in myself, in my abilities, my strength. And it is in those places that I feel anxious, stressed, can't sleep, get snippy, grouchy, yell at friends and loved ones, feel far away from God. A self centered confidence does nothing to help you, to grow you, and the disciples explain how our hearts cannot be right for God in such cases because we are {8:23} "full of bitterness and captive to sin". Captive to sin. How convicting is that? When we place our confidence in things not of the Lord we have no chance but falling into sin. 

But luckily God does not forsake us even then. Even when we are captive to sin. No, even then he steps into our path, and ** (Sorry spoiler alert I snuck a peek at the header to chapter 9)** that's exactly what he did for Saul.