Protected by Armor

We interrupt the normal programming for a quick jump to Ephesians..... I'm sorry! I know I said I was doing this in order but today God (and Paul) needed to teach me a different lesson. 

The second day in my apartment, and one of the promises that I feel God made to me in this transition is that He has a new faith community planned for me. So after some google searching last night for churches, I settled on an Episcopal Church down the road from me. My big debate in this entire decision is that I want a church with a 20/30s small group so I can meet people, but I also like a traditional service and a smaller congregation. So this church fit those criteria (how well I didn't know) but I thought I would give it a try. So I wandered into their contemporary service this morning and was very discouraged when no one introduced themselves to the new girl, and when I saw no one my age, just a lot of families (which is great don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for college all over again but maybe just a few friends). And that's when God called me out. He told me that I wasn't only worried about a small group to grow my faith, but I was more worried about finding one because I believed that's how I would meet friends, and hey maybe even a boyfriend (typical christian girl, guilty I know, I'm making myself cringe). But I realized that He was completely right AND that my decision on where I go to church should not be centered on where I may potentially meet someone to date. That is SHOULD be centered on where I am going to grow closer to God, where I can get involved in a congregation and share my skills, where I am going to have people to love and support me. And so it was a blessing when after church and older gentlemen introduced himself to me and asked if I was about to start a new school (according to him I looked like I could be in high school......really?!), and I laughed and said no but tomorrow is my first day at my new job, and so he began to inquire where I moved from and introduced me to a handful of people. And their genuine interest, even though they weren't my age, was truly exactly what I was looking for. 

And although revelations like that can be hard (aka get your act together, I - God- am more important than a hypothetical boyfriend), God also gave me some great encouragement from His word. The sermon at church today revolved around Ephesians 6:10-20, about putting on the armor of God especially in the change of a new school year, or a New JOB. They literally said or a new job and a new place, and I felt like God took my hand and said see look you can breath I am still here. And I loved the words that Paul used because he said {6:12} "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms". Change like this isn't just hard because of all the new things, but also because we are often fighting some internal spiritual warfare because the enemy uses our anxiety against us. And so God gave us an armor to put on, so when those days of evil come we can stand firm. And even when that seems to much when the belts of truth, and the breastplates of righteousness, and the helmets of salvation aren't enough we have the Holy Spirit that will lead us to pray in ALL occasions. 

So, although I am still a little nervous about meeting and making friends (of both genders haha), and my first day of work, instead of succumbing to the lies the enemy is telling me, I am going to put on my Armor of God and head into my first day ready to stand firm.  

The Asterisk **

So I guess my last post should have had an asterisk because I wasn't technically moved in and living in my apartment yet, I was just moved in. I didn't start living in my apartment until today. I had another week at home where I secluded myself in my own room, wishing that it would be time for me to move into my apartment. And now I'm here and I was wishing that I would have used more of this summer actually with my family. Yes I spent a ton of time with them, but I wish I would have done more of the little things, like watching mindless TV in my mom's room with her instead of watching netflix by myself in my room. I didn't realize that I would miss things like that. Those little conversations that happen when nothing is going on expect endless repeats of Law & Order:SUV and the Big Bang Theory. 

Yet, as I was driving up to Maryland today I was struck by how immensely loved I am, and subsequently struck by how conceited that makes me sound. But its true. I have a God that sees me as flawless and loves me continuously. I have an amazing family that is willing to meet me at Safeway on my way out of town with a computer charger because I don't have time to turn back around and get it. I have friends that shower my with love when I need it and tell me to read and eat so I don't worry so much. And yet when I finished unpacking this afternoon and I sat down on my bed for the first time in my new apartment, I was filled with a soul aching sadness. Because although I know all of those people will continue to be there for me, I also know that it won't be the same, that when I go home there are no more long winter and summer breaks, and as much as I've complained about the state of Maryland tonight I am so thankful to God that He only has me a hour away from my family. And so, even as I am processing through this homesickness, as I am typing this, I am becoming more and more aware of God's provision. I have always wanted to travel for work to move far away, yet God (as always) knew what I needed. That I needed to be somewhere far enough that I moved out of home, and yet somewhere close enough that I have that comfort. 

I'm so thankful that my life has an asterisk. That I am not doing this all on my own, that I have a Father that is there to add an asterisk when I don't know whats best, and I love that he lets me figure it out when the time is right. I need these growing pains of homesickness and loneliness as hard as they are because  I need to remember who I rely on, I will always need an asterisk. 

S(p)aul's life had an asterisk added to it too. Saul went to the high priest and asked for permission to go to Damascus to arrest those that follow the Way. ***But as he neared Damascus a light from heaven flashed around him. And Saul's immediate response, the response of a man that was breathing murderous threats against the Lord's disciples, his first response to this light was {Acts 9:5} "Who are you, Lord?". Even this man who despised the Lord knew immediately that an important asterisk had been made. That only one person could be responsible for this. And Saul was told to proceed into Damascus and when he opened his eyes he could not see. This man that had so vehemently persecuted the Lord and His followers  was able to SEE (or not) the power of the Lord in his life. Now I'm not saying that Christ blinded me tonight, but I do believe he revealed a little of why His plan is what it is, so I can be excited about the place I am living. 

The other beautiful piece of Saul's conversion was that it was not just Saul and the Lord. God used a disciple named Ananias to bring Saul's sight back. When God asked Ananias to go to Saul, Ananias balked at the idea. He told God that {9:13-14} "Saul has done harm to your holy people in Jerusalem, And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name". Ananias knew all about Saul and what he was walking into and yet when God told him to go he went and entered the house of Saul, and called on the Lord Jesus to restore Saul's sight. 

So yes, God greatly amended Saul's plan, but he did not leave Saul to handle it alone. Saul not only had a loving God, who loved Him immensely, God also showed Saul that he was entering a community that will step up in faith to meet you. My sisters and brothers in Christ have  redefined the word friendship for me. They have added an asterisk to the word friend that I didn't know existed until I hit college, and in my Post Grad I don't know what I would do without these asterisks in my life that step up to love me even when I am snippy, ungrateful, and resistant, just like Ananias did for Saul. 

Confidence in the Unknown

Moving. Today I moved into my first apartment. My first apartment that I am renting on my own. That I am solely responsible for. And last night I was scared, so scared of the future - but a small part of me that I couldn't identify at first was also confident. Confident in the plans God has for me and trying to find confidence in the unknown. 

Jesus brings me confidence in the unknown. I may not know how my roommates will get along, how work will go, how I will make friends, but I do know (normally, except on those particularly bad days) that God has new grace for me every morning. That his love for me will always overflow. And those phrases may sound cliche or Christianese but as my best friend once told me, sometimes we have to say them because they hold such truth and because we need to hear them so they will sink in. 

After Stephens death, Saul began to destroy the church  and many people were scattered. And {Acts 8:4} "those that had been scattered preached the word wherever they went". This was a time of uncertainty, of constant moving. And yet Philip and others had confidence in the Lord and many people were baptized. 

However, the author also showed what happens when one doesn't have confidence in the Lord. One of the men from his land, Simon the Sorcerer, saw Peter and John laying their hands and having people receive the Holy Spirit, and he offered them money for such ability. Although he saw the great works that God was doing, his confidence lay in his money. I have definitely been guilty of that, or having my confidence lie in myself, in my abilities, my strength. And it is in those places that I feel anxious, stressed, can't sleep, get snippy, grouchy, yell at friends and loved ones, feel far away from God. A self centered confidence does nothing to help you, to grow you, and the disciples explain how our hearts cannot be right for God in such cases because we are {8:23} "full of bitterness and captive to sin". Captive to sin. How convicting is that? When we place our confidence in things not of the Lord we have no chance but falling into sin. 

But luckily God does not forsake us even then. Even when we are captive to sin. No, even then he steps into our path, and ** (Sorry spoiler alert I snuck a peek at the header to chapter 9)** that's exactly what he did for Saul. 

Press Play

I love to read, it has always been one of my favorite things since I was a small child and my grandparents read the Harry Potter series to me. There is something so special about starting a new book, my heart races a little as my brain weaves together the setting of the place, the characters, the way expressions change their faces, and how their voices rise and fall. I love that beginning part of piecing it together slowly and then all of a sudden it starts to fall into place faster and faster until like an old projector they go from single snap shots to a continuous movie. 

I think sometimes that's how starting over feels like too. There are these individual moments that seem to happen so far apart, that leave you distant and anxious as you try to figure out where exactly you fit in this new setting, and then you look back one day and you realize that instead of being the outsider looking in on the play, you yourself have become a character in it. That's how I remember college. The first year was so hard for me, it seemed like everything was swirling around me and I was trying to figure out where I fit in and then all of a sudden I was graduating. I had become a part of the community and the time flew by. And so I know that this next change will be similar, not the same because I am a different person now, but I hope to remember the hard parts will only last for so long. 

I have to wonder if the disciples clung to the same notion. That the hard parts will be plentiful but they will only last for so long? As the numbers following them continued to increase they faced internal strife over everything including the distribution of food. But the disciples knew what battles to fight and what battles to secede in. In the case of food distribution they realized that {6:2} "it would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait tables." So they appointed seven men who were full of the spirit to take on this responsibility. 

One of these men was named Stephen and he was a man full of Gods grace and power. And as opposition to the Jewish temple continued to grow many rose up against him, {6:10} "but they could not stand against the wisdom the spirit gave him as he spoke". And so instead They provided false witness and in the end dragged him out into the street to stone him. The false witnesses placed their coats at Saul's feet and he approved the killing of Stephen. Yet, even within his dreadful death, Stephen fell to his knees and cried {7:60} "Lord, do not hold this sin against them. " and he was able to forgive them. 

Did Stephen see his life flash before his eyes like a movie? Did he see these slow series of snap shots until he encountered God and he saw his life, come to life? Did Saul know that soon he would be the one standing in Stephens place? Could he even imagine the rolls reversed at that point? Like a movie,  I believe that sometimes we have to walk through certain things to even be in a place where we can hear and listen to God. We could be told time and time again but until certain experiences we won't be ready to listen. So maybe we need those snapshots of when times were hard. And Lord willing they will be few and far between but sometimes we have to have them so God can press play on other things in our life. (For example where Sauls story goes from here).

Thriving Redefined

In the time right after graduation and in your early 20s you go from living with your best friends, seeing people on campus everyday, being known, to either moving back to a home that doesn't really fit you anymore  or to a new city where you don't know anyone. And in both it's so easy to get really lonely. But what I've found this week, as I've had the blessing to talk and catch up with some of my best friends for the first time in a month or so, is that despite the loneliness and stuckness we sometimes feel, we are also often thriving in our own ways. 

When you find that profession you are made for, that God fashioned you for it seems that he refills joy in us daily. Whether it's new readings for grad school, prepping for the mcat, having new skills come to you with ease, mulling over information, or getting to the next stage in an interview. And so despite the fact that it's hard to start over,  to be away from those friends that you normally debrief your day with, by taking a step back and seeing all the amazing things they are going to accomplish, are accomplishing, I understand why we have to go our separate ways to fulfill those promises God gave to us. 

The disciples so dutifully followed the calling they were given, especially in the wake of Christ's death. (Not to say that they didn't doubt and question because they are human and did but the threat that followed them was death). And so after they were placed in jail for healing in the name of Christ when an angel of the Lord came and opened the doors and told them {5:20} "Go, stand in the temple courts and tell the people all about this new life" they did as they had been told. And even when they were brought before the high priests, they did not abandon their calling of proclaiming the Lord but did it in steadfast obedience. 

How many people back then and today would call the life the disciples chose one of thriving? They were men that were being prosecuted, thrown in jail, and now having the high priests demanding their deaths. But the disciples knew that God's definition for thriving is different than this worlds and He alone held the disciples lives. And so while others called for the deaths of the disciples, the Pharisee Gamaliel who was one of the most prominent teachers of the law and was honored by all of the people (and also happened to be Paul's teacher) spoke up in defense of the disciples. Intriguing no? And so in the wake of this persuasion it was decided that the disciples would be flogged instead. 

And yet, even then, the apostles left rejoicing {5:41} "because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name of God". To them, in that moment, thriving was defined as suffering flogging in order to glorify the name of God. Thriving redefined. 

And so, thriving will look different on each of us, and often we won't be able to see it in our suffering. Suffering of starting in new places, or returning to old places that no longer feel the same, but that is why we have been gifted friends that often know us better than we know ourselves, so when we do have the chance to catch up, you don't have to explain all of it, they just understand why a conversation was hard, or where the anxiety about work comes from because they know you, and ground you, and point you back to the person God made you to be. The person God has made to thrive. 

So, to my fellow post grads go and thrive, chase after those opportunities that bring you joy and share them with old friends because your success is my success too. 

Why am I hiding?

The fifth chapter of Acts opens with a story of a husband and wife who sold a piece of property to bring money to the apostles, but both kept some money back for themselves. When asked about it they both lied to Peter and to God and they subsequently fell down and died. Now reading this it was so easy to think so poorly of these people. How could they keep money back from God? They were living in the time right after Christ walked the earth. They had the disciples with them daily! 

But then God asked me, in 2015, to look in the mirror and see if I was really any different. Money is such a tangible thing to hide from God but how many non-tangible things do I try and "hide" from Him every day? (and hide is in quotes because I do truly believe that God is all knowing but I also believe that He desires for us to come to Him) My desire to be in a relationship? Fear of the future? Family issues? Anger at God over sick loved ones? Frustration?So yes it was easy for me to look down on Ananias and Sapphira but that makes me just as much of a hypocrite, and really I don't desire to hide anything from the Lord, but I'm human and so sometimes I try too. 

This next chapter in my life has no set plan, no design. College has four years, four years that I had planned by the middle of my first semester. And God even there you showed me that you had a better plan, from withdrawing from a class, to the number of professor that encouraged me in my faith. Yet, there will be things in this next chapter that I will want to hide or not talk to God about, whether it be work, or just how I'm feeling. And so my prayer is that He will remind me, and continue to place people in my life that remind, that I do not face this next chapter alone. That whether I have nothing to give, or everything like Ananias and Sapphira, he wants it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly, to be cliche. Or my favorite new phrase, the joy, junk, & Jesus* of everyday. 

*Joy, Junk, and Jesus is similar to highs and lows. It's the joy in your day, the junk or the low part, and where you saw Jesus. It helps us to remember our blessings, not to hide even the dark side we may not want to show, and bring it all back around to the Lord

{extra}ORDINARY

It's funny how the smallest of acts, the ordinary, the small things in life can be such a blessing and answers to prayers we don't even know we have. How a snapchat video can turn into two great friends that haven't talked all summer catching up, cementing that friendship in its love of books and adventure. How the purchase of a skirt, a work bag, a colander, tupperware can garner excitement over fear for the future. I love these little ordinary things, when I take the time to appreciate them. 

After Peter and John preformed the miracle of making Beautiful walk in front of the temple, they preach about Jesus' sacrifice for His people, and OVER 5,000 people grew to believe in the Lord. That kind of reaction the temple priests were not to pleased. But when Peter and John were brought in front of these priest they saw the courage these men had {4:13} " and realized that Peter and John were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus". John and Peter were ordinary men who had the courage to speak up. God has this tendency to take the ordinary and make them extraordinary. How encouraging is that? How many little ordinary things happen everyday that are actually apart of His extraordinary plan for our lives. 

One of my biggest guilty pleasures is watching Grey's Anatomy, and Meredith's mom, Ellis, comes out of her Alzheimer's for a day and says that she raised Meredith to be extraordinary, and so imagine her disappointment when she woke up after five years to find Meredith was no more than ordinary. That part has always struck me, is it that our extraordinary looks different than someone else's extraordinary, because Meredith was thrilled with where she was.

Or is it a blurred line, that in your ordinary acts you become extraordinary in the differences you make, like Peter and John did. They did what they ordinarily would do but it was an extraordinary act. In Grey's  Ellis finally realizes that in fact while Meredith is "ordinary" she is also extraordinary. Meredith, Peter, John, they were Extra- Ordinary, they were extremely ordinary. And that made the difference. Definitely encouraging to a grad that's trying to figure out who she is, what bar is next. Maybe the "answer" to the expectations we feel in this world is to be extra ourselves, and to stop answering to all of the 'high preist' we think hold the power.